The Guilt Cycle

Over the last 5 months, I've been cycling with guilt over Lucy's MSPI. I know it wasn't my fault that she got it, but literally EVERY time she cries for extended periods of time or can't sleep, I have to wonder if it's something I ate. Am I so selfish to eat something I want only to have it impact her? How long can I stand to be on this diet lacking milk or soy? Originally I told myself if I made it ANY time at all, I was doing good, but if I made it to 3 months, great - though 6 months would be fantastic. And God bless him, my husband agreed (though not without some comments hear and there about OTHER moms that go for a year or longer - whole 'nother guilt trip of mine).

As we were nearing the 6-month mark, I thought to myself, "Maybe I can make it past 6 months..." Can I? Can't I? Recently we decided to test things out and see if her little tummy could handle my diet with a little milk/soy in it. That might make it easier for me to keep going on. But it didn't go as I had hoped it might - she's still intolerant. And the last few nights she's been a bear about sleeping, her face is breaking out, and I know in my heart it's something I ate. Guilt again...

So at 4 a.m. I prayed about it and decided.....I'm stopping. This guilt with her has got to stop - it's affecting me more now than ever - 5 months of mental torture can really hurt you, just ask any mom who makes the decision to stop breastfeeding. You feel like you're hurting your child, that you're not providing for them, which starts the whole cycle over again. But with my decision made, a huge weight was lifted - I'll be happier, she'll be happier (and maybe sleep again) and the world will still be the same.